: Nouvelle Classe De Régner De Dogbert (Dnrc)
De: Scott Adams
Date: Juin 1995
Points culminants: - Les personnes de Non-DNRC obtiennent
un nom - chemises de Dilbert sautant vers le haut dans les mémoires -
la première annonce de Dilbert Personals
État De Mode De Dnrc
Au plus tard le compte, il y a 40.000 lumineux-que-moyens et membres
de plus en plus attirants du DNRC, portés en équilibre pour prendre
leur endroit sur le côté de Dogbert quand il conquiert le monde et
rend tout le monde d'autre nos esclaves.
Rappelez-vous, là êtes puissance dans les nombres. Et la
puissance est l'aphrodisiaque final. Ainsi si vous faites projeter
une date importante, apportez-nous tous avec vous. Elle peut
seulement aider.
Mise à jour De la Défense De Dnrc
Dans la première vraie menace pour la domination certaine du monde de
Dogbert, un culte pomme de terre-potato-worshipping a survenu aux
Etats-Unis du nord-ouest, menés par le Stacy charismatique, la
déesse des pommes de terre et l'" Omnipotato individu-proclamé. "
Le culte de pomme de terre a proclamé un jihad (regard il
vers le haut) contre le DNRC. Nous ne savons pas beaucoup au sujet de
leur théologie, mais selon des informateurs elle peut être
récapitulée comme " nous aimons des pommes de terre. "
Apparent il y a de la confusion dans leurs rangs, dû en
grande partie à la coïncidence malheureuse que leur nemesis Dogbert
de voûte est formé comme une petite pomme de terre. Cependant, ce
n'est pas susceptible de les duper pour longtemps.
Bien que nous devions prendre cette menace sérieusement, la
violence n'est jamais la solution, à moins que vous puissiez employer
les avocats chers et les payer avec le montant de votre livre. Ou
vous pouvez la faire ressembler un accident. Ou si c'est autodéfense
pour quelque chose que quelqu'un pourrait faire à vous à l'avenir.
Ou s' il est pour des raisons religieuses valides. Ou si quelqu'un
glisse dans un espace de stationnement qui est légitime à vous et
vous figure la satisfaction seriez en valeur la pénalité. Ou vous
avez l'immunité diplomatique. Ou les victimes sont les gens qui
supportent obstinément une forme inefficace de gouvernement.
Dans ces cas la violence semble être une solution sensible.
Mais je ne la recommande pas dans cette situation. Les personnes de
pomme de terre portent des fourchettes et elles savent les utiliser.
Plusieurs de leurs membres ont été accusés " d'un sel et de
beurrer. " (ils sont sortis sur un peal.)
Je pense que notre meilleure ligne de conduite doit manger
autant de pommes de terre que possible cet été. Plus que vous
mangez, le plus haut votre mode dans le DNRC. Cette offre termine
après août.
10 points pour chacun pomme de terre-équivalent vous mangez
*
15 points de bonification pour hurler la " mort aux personnes de pomme
de terre! " suivi d'un rire maniaque tandis que votre bouche est
pleine des carcasses grotesques de pomme de terre. Vous devez être
dans un restaurant quand vous la faites.
* Puisque je sais vous demanderez, disons que 20 pommes frites
égalent une pomme de terre. Ou un grand sac des puces.
Le E-mail D'un Réalisateur de dessins animés
Vous êtes-vous jamais demandés pourquoi les gens écrivent à un
réalisateur de dessins animés? Voici une panne des cent environ
messages que je reçois par jour:
les idées de l'histoire 30% ont destiné pour embarrasser
des demandes peu raisonnables d'un patron ou du collègue 25% des
comparaisons défavorables des faveurs 20% à la substance de Calvin
et de Hobbes 10% Admin: réservez l'information, les réimpressions,
le bulletin, etc... questions 08% au sujet de cravate de Dilbert, de
bouche ou de recherches du poids 05% sur ma " vraie " identité ou
propositions obcènes du lieu de travail 02% (cette catégorie a
besoin de travail!) critiques 01% de mes maths
**time-out** dans " peu raisonnable demande faveur " catégorie,
gagnant pour ce mois facture, qui avoir à plusieurs reprises demander
que je mettre chaque dessin je avoir jamais dessiner dans un FERMETURE
ÉCLAIR fichier et envoyer lui par E-mail parce que mon " grand
ventilateur. "
Un nombre alarmant de lecteurs sont sous l'impression que je
suis devenu un organisme gouvernemental dont la mission est de donner
hors de petites faveurs économiques. Dogbert manipulera ces demandes
dorénavant.
Dogbert Answers My Mail
In this section Dogbert answers the mail that I'm too polite to handle
myself.
Dear Scott:
My friend Irv is a huge fan of the comic strip Dilbert. It would mean so
much to him if you could write a personal message congratulating him on his
40th birthday. And please say something funny about golf.
Susan
Dear Susan:
When Mr. Adams is not raising money for the poor or lobbying congress to
preserve our environment he thrills in the challenge of reducing your
personal expenses for greeting cards. While some cartoonists would
consider
your request a tacky imposition -- and I'm not naming names here (rhymes
with
Brudeau) -- Mr. Adams is thrilled that you cared enough about him to ask.
Consider it done!
Dogbert
Dear Scott:
I remember a series of cartoons you did a few years ago that mentioned the
accounting department. Could you please e-mail copies to me?
Arnold
Dear Arnold:
I'm glad somebody out there is smart enough to realize how uneconomical it
is
to buy Dilbert books when you could just send an e-mail directly to the
author and get the few that you actually enjoyed for free. You are correct
in your assumption that Mister Adams creates his comic strip as a labor of
love with no thought of receiving remuneration for his work. In fact, I
know
he'd love to rummage around in his closet looking for the cartoons you
requested, scan them and e-mail them to you. If you don't see them soon,
your best bet is to contact the people who manage the Internet and ask
where
the file went.
Dogbert
Dear Scott:
Like yourself, I'm a creative person too. I make stop-action videos using
only lunch meat for characters. I would like to talk to you about forming
a
creative partnership. Give me your address and I'll send a copy of the
video
so you will be obligated to talk to me. What would be a good day to have
lunch?
Steven
Dear Steven:
Ordinarily, Mister Adams would gladly give out his home address to a
stranger
who makes lunch meat videos. He enjoys getting rumpled packages of unknown
origin through the U.S. mail. However, he is currently involved in several
joint ventures with other lunch meat video producers and what you're
suggesting would be a conflict of interest. However, if you're interested
in
becoming a stalker, an application form is enclosed.
Dogbert
Family Circus Online
For those of you who missed it, Bil Keane, creator of Family Circus, held
an
online "chat" with fans on America Online. I was lucky enough to catch
part
of it and include the transcript below as a public service.
ModestoGuy: "Bil, how old is little Billy?"
ScottAdams: "ModestoGuy, Bil can't see your question unless
you hit the 'Interact with Host' button."
ModestoGuy: "Well, then how old is Dollie?"
ScottAdams: "ModestoGuy, WE can see your question but Bil
can't unless you press the 'Interact with Host'
button.
ModestoGuy: "Bil, why are you ignoring me?"
ScottAdams: "ModestoGuy, he CAN'T SEE YOUR DAMN QUESTION!!!"
ModestoGuy: "Okay, okay. You don't have to get nasty."
ScottAdams: "Sorry. I don't know what came over me."
ModestoGuy: "So, Bil, How old is Barfy?"
Tech Support People Respond
In an article I wrote for Windows Magazine (May 1995) I said some things
that
angered people who work in tech support. Many wrote to point out how
difficult it is to work with idiot users like me. The best example from a
reportedly true tech support incident went something like this:
"I asked a user if he was running his program under
Windows. He said "No. My desk is by the door -- but
you know, you make a good point. Tony sits under a
window and his program is working fine."
Hold the Presses
According to news reports, Philip Morris has recalled billions of
cigarettes
because they are concerned that there is something unhealthy in them.
(Insert your own joke here)
Clarification
All it takes to be a member of the DNRC is to add your name to the Dilbert
Newsletter mailing list (see instructions at the end). And all it takes to
have an official title is to give yourself one. Since these are
self-designated titles, you should be thinking a bit bigger than the DNRC
member who wrote this:
"Please include me in the Dilbert newsletter.
By the way, I shall be known as 'Manager of all
dust found in computers'."
Some people have suggested that the entry requirements for the DNRC are too
low. But believe me, it's still challenging enough to keep a whole lot of
people out. Which leads me to my next topic.
Name the Non-DNRC People
In the last newsletter I asked what we should call people who are not in
the
DNRC. The rules were that the name should sound harmless to them but we
would recognize it as a clever insult. I didn't specify that the name had
to
be sophomoric, but most of you accurately surmised that I would rate those
suggestions higher. Hundreds of suggestions poured in.
And the winner is:
*** In-duh-viduals ***
As promised, sainthood has been bestowed on the winner, Saint Heather of
Beantown.
Usage: "You're quite an In-duh-vidual, Andy."
Meaning: "Someday you will be cleaning the gunk
behind my refrigerator, houseboy."
Although "In-duh-viduals" is the preferred name, any of the honorable
mention
names can also be used (see below). After all, it's not as though the
In-duh-viduals will catch on.
Honorable mention:
"Stars"
Because from our perspective, none of them are very bright and there are
more
of them than we really need -- G. Guglielmo
"The Empowered Ones"
Because only the truly gullible will regard that as a good thing -- R.
Graziano
"Team Players"
Because that's a nice way to say "loser" -- T. Miller
"Barren (of intelligence)"
Pronounced "Baron" -- J. Strachan
"Dildon't"
No explanation needed -- J. Andrews
"Mo"
Short for Moron -- H. Elliott
"Turdberts"
Self explanatory -- S. Manousos
"Wiz"
Sounds like a bodily function -- J. Becker
"Honey"
Because honey is just bee-poop -- N. Daly
"Hydrants"
We could say "Hy" when we see them -- D. Walker
"Sir" and "Miss"
Sir is short for "servant" and Miss is short for "mistake" -- D. Schumacher
"Biscuits"
Harmless, almost cute, but essentially dog food -- M. Hirsh
DNRC Enemies List
Many of you wrote to suggest friends and family members who should be added
to the DNRC enemies list. But I think it's important that we only include
people we can all agree on. So this is how the list stands:
- Little Billy from Family Circus
- Satan
- Snuggles the fabric softener bear (new)
- Stacy, Goddess of Potatoes (new)
Many people wrote to suggest that Barney the purple dinosaur should be
added
to the enemies list. But that would seem redundant with item #2.
Marcia Clarke's hair stylist has been removed from the enemies list. Soon
after the Dilbert Newsletter mentioned Marcia's hair she abruptly changed
stylists and emerged with a new DNRC-Approved look. This is likely to sway
the jury in her favor and result in O.J.'s conviction by a jury of his
peers;
all of whom are Heismann Trophy winners if I'm not mistaken.
Most Clever Suggestion
In a recent storyline I had Dilbert and Wally trying to figure the best
engineering work-around for the keyboards that were missing the letter Q.
Gary Jensen, a man with too few things to think about, wrote with this
solution:
- Type the letters "KW" in place of "Q"
- Run "spell check" and the computer will replace KW
with Q
Dilbert Personals Ad
As most of you already know, computer-using people are the sexiest people
alive. So it shouldn't surprise anybody that I get a lot of mail from
women
who are searching for their very own flesh and blood "Dilbert."
As a public service I have agreed to run a personal ad in the newsletter
for
one lucky woman. This is a real ad. She set up a special e-mail account
for
this purpose:
Dilbert is my dream man....
I have this thing for men with a really big hard drive (over 250 meg
preferred) and exceptional memory. You should prefer actual to virtual
reality. You're intelligent, kind, spiritual, strong, and loving and will
be gentle with my heart. I am very spiritual (Buddhist), vegetarian,
college
professor and managment consultant, romantic, outspoken, big heart & deep
soul. I'm intelligent and very well educated but can talk about cartoons
and
Elvis along with the best of them. Brown, naturally curly hair,
Rubenesque
(not hwp), hazel eyes that change shades with my moods, a smile that
shines.
I live a stone's throw from Microsoft. (The escaping brainwaves are
making
me dizzy.) Hurry and write before I pass out. Send replies to:
[email protected]
[Note from Scott: I don't know what "hwp" means either, but if that's what
you were looking for you're out of luck.]
Dogbert and Dilbert Dolls
Many of you noticed a stuffed Dogbert on my Web pages on the Internet and
wrote to ask how to get one. We're working on prototypes for stuffed
Dogbert
and Dilbert "action figures" for later this year. I'll let you know when
they're available.
Sending Ideas for Dilbert
Most of my ideas for the strip come from e-mail. (Thanks to all of you who
took the time.)
Remember, the best suggestions are theme ideas, not dialog or "gags." I'll
do the humor part. I'm most inspired by true examples of idiotic
management
and clueless business practices. The best suggestions tend to be the ones
that can be expressed in a paragraph or less.
Some parts of your messages may be quoted by me for articles, books or
interviews. They will be paraphrased if I think it's necessary to conceal
the identity of the author or to condense a story. I never disclose names.
Send suggestions to me, not a reply to the newsletter address. I'm at
[email protected]. And your best bet is to wait at least two weeks from
receiving the newsletter, because I get about a thousand messages a day in
that period.
Thanks!
***************** General Dilbert Facts *******************
The cartoon strip Dilbert began in 1989. It now appears in over 450 papers
in 15 countries.
The author (that would be me) receives about 100 e-mail messages per day.
I
read all of my e-mail personally. If you get a canned response, or no
response at all, it just means my fingers are tired or I need to get some
sleep. I love you, really. Nobody else reads my mail. I don't have an
assistant.
Despite what you've heard, I don't work at your company. I worked at
Crocker
Bank in San Francisco from 1979 to 1986, then Pacific Bell from 1986 to
(any
day now), mostly in various engineering groups. But I'm not an engineer by
education; I did the MBA thing.
I am not your high school friend of the same name. I did not author the
Scott Adams Adventure Games for computers. I did not go to your school.
The
person you know is not my relative. I am not your ex-husband. We were not
childhood friends.
Dilbert is not gaining weight.
There is no particular reason that neither Dilbert nor Dogbert have obvious
mouths.
The most frequently asked question is "Why does Dilbert's tie curl up like
that?" The answer is either A) It's a metaphor for his inability to
control
his environment or B) He's just glad to see you.
The boss character has no name. I like it that way.
Printing, Copying, Reprinting, Licensing of Dilbert
The copyright and trademark for Dilbert are owned by United Media in New
York. You can call them at 800-221-4816 (International callers use
+1-212-293-8500). There would be a fee that depends on how you want to use
the strip or the characters.
Dilbert Books
"Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies" (new material about
working
at a big company), Andrews & McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1757-8)
"Always Postpone Meetings with Time-Wasting Morons" (a compilation of the
first year), Andrews & McMeel.
(ISBN 0-8362-1758-6)
"Clues for the Clueless" from Andrews and McMeel. It's new material on the
subject of manners using the Dilbert cast. (ISBN 0-8362-1737-3)
"Shave the Whales" (a compilation of the second year of Dilbert), Andrews &
McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1740-3)
"Bring Me the Head of Willy the Mailboy" (a compilation covering 10/5/90
through 5/18/91.), Andrews & McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1779-9)
Check with any bookstore. If that fails, call the publisher directly at
800-826-4216 and order by mail. (International callers use
+1-816-932-6700)
Dilbert Business Videos:
Two New Videos:
"Talk About Change!":
A 15 minute training video featuring an expert on change, interspersed with
animated Dilbert clips. The video comes with a Leader's Guide, Workbooks
and 10 overhead transparencies.
"Dilbert Gets Reengineered":
A 5 minute look at what people really think about change.
Cohen/Gebler Associates has created a set of short animated Dilbert
business
videos for meetings, workshops and presentations. The videos are based
closely on themes from the strip. They're used primarily as ice breakers.
Six titles are currently available:
- Dilbert on Quality
- Dilbert on Managing Change
- Dilbert Does Sales
- Dilbert Does Meetings
- Just the Breaks #1 (Mingling Groups)
- Just the Breaks #2 (110%).
Prices start at $99.
Call 1-800-208-3535 for more information. (International callers use
+1-617-262-4242)
Dilbert T-Shirts Sweatshirts from Signals:
Call Signals Catalog at 800-663-9994.
Design: "Technology -- No Place for Wimps"
T-Shirt: Item # 42080
Sweat Shirt: Item # 42079
(Dilbert mug will be available later this summer)
Dilbert Shirts from Quality Classics:
Dilbert T-shirts and sweat shirts from Quality Classics are popping up in
retail stores around the United States. There are eighteen designs, but
individual stores will carry different subsets.
Dilbert Screen Savers
The Dilbert Screen Saver (Windows or Mac) is available at major retail
stores
and mail order. If you have any questions or want to order direct from
Delrina, feel free to call them at 1-800-315-5848.
Online Dilbert Sources
If you're a company interested in advertising on the Dilbert web pages,
send
e-mail to [email protected] (put "Web ad" in the subject line) or
call 800-221-4816 (international callers dial +1-212-293-8500).
(50 DNRC status points if you get somebody to put a link to the Dilbert web
page from another web site)
About the Dilbert List
It costs you nothing to be on the Dilbert Newsletter list, except for the
cost of your own e-mail.
I'm using a "List Server" system to automate this process. So this
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The frequency of the Dilbert Newsletter is approximately "whenever I feel
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Getting Old Newsletters
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You can use that command form for newletters 1.0, 2.0, 3.0, 4.0 and 5.0,
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But the best way is to visit the Dilbert web site if you have a web
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See above.
Problems Signing Up for the Newsletter
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Reprinting This Newsletter
Feel free to copy, post and distribute this newsletter within the bounds of
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Scott Adams
[email protected]
