: Nouvelle Classe De Régner De Dogbert (Dnrc)
De: Scott Adams
Date: Janvier 1995
État De Mode De Dnrc
BUHWAHAHAHA!!! rire maniaque
Nous accomplissons l'excellent progrès vers notre but de
devenir la nouvelle classe de régner quand Dogbert conquiert le monde
et rend tout le monde d'autre nos domestiques. Le DNRC a plus de
14.000 membres déjà.
Quand nous obtenons environ 50.000 membres nous pouvons
commencer à bullying des politiciens dans le dépassement des lois
qui nous bénéficient au coût de d'autres.
Par exemple, je supporte une loi qui imposerait des lecteurs
de cirque de famille et donne l'argent aux membres de DNRC.
**time-out** je penser pouvoir arguer du fait que stimuler
économie puisque incliné pour sortir et souffler tout
supplémentaire argent obtenir, tandis que famille cirque lecteur
juste accumuler loin dans un matelas dans grenier jusqu'à ce que rat
manger.
" ce qui est ce se tenir de type de diable? "
D'une série récente, Dilbert était tenté " au côté en
noir " pour aller bien à un gestionnaire au lieu d'un ingénieur. Un
caractère diabolique était évident derrière le divan de Dilbert
tenant un objet que les lecteurs ne pourraient pas identifier. J'ai
été bombardé avec le courrier des personnes demandant ce qu'était
l'objet.
C'était une grande cuillère. Voici... le godet d'uh....
Le caractère n'est pas Satan; il est " Phil d'estacade à
claire-voie " -- un caractère qui semble de temps en temps manipuler
les situations qui ne sont pas assez sérieuses pour l'enfer.
Phil a été créé la première année de la bande.
Initialement il a été conçu comme Satan, mais mon éditeur a pensé
qui pourrait poser des problèmes avec des lecteurs. Ainsi au lieu du
seigneur de l'obscurité j'ai terminé vers le haut de récrire le
caractère pour être Phil d'estacade à claire-voie, prince de
lumière insuffisante. Il a semblé exact qu'il devrait avoir une
grande cuillère au lieu d'un pitchfork effrayant.
Maintenant si vous n'avez pas essayé de dessiner une
cuillère géante récemment, me laissez vous dites qu'il est assez
dur, particulièrement pour moi, puisque plusieurs de mes caractères
ressemblent déjà les ustensiles géants.
Nomination De Récompense D'Épargnant D'Écran De Dilbert
L'épargnant d'écran de Dilbert de Delrina a été nommé
pour la récompense d'un éditeur de logiciel dans la catégorie
d'utilitaires d'affaires.
Nous sommes vers le haut contre un groupe de produits
relativement inutiles qui font des choses comme restaurer les fichiers
perdus. (Bo-o-o-boucle!!) En fait, je ne sais pas ce que la plupart
des autres produits font mais je les déteste juste les mêmes.
Si votre compagnie est un membre de l'association d'éditeurs
de logiciel (STATION THERMALE) vous avez une voix. Chassez s'il vous
plaît en bas de la personne à votre compagnie qui vote et
promettez-leur un passage d'invité au DNRC (bon juillet traversant)
s' ils voteront pour l'épargnant d'écran de Dilbert.
Ou, s' il n'est pas trop à demander, vous pourriez mettre en
scène une grève de faim. (je la ferais pour vous.)
Résultats de Catbert
Catbert retournera pour un aspect d'invité en tant que
directeur de ressources humaines à la compagnie de Dilbert. Il est
parfait pour le travail -- il semble inoffensif et mignon et lui ne
s'inquiète pas si vous vivez ou mourez.
Résultats Ennuyants D'Incrément
En mon dernier bulletin j'ai demandé à des personnes de
voter pour leurs trois procédures de gestion ennuyantes principales.
Presque 1.500 personnes ont voté.
Les résultats n'étonneront personne dans le DNRC:
l'irritant de gain était des " idiots promus à la gestion " suivie
de près " en étant forcé à travailler avec des idiots ".
**time-out** voix ----- - idiot favoriser gestion 924 -
forcer pour travailler avec idiot 638 - Empowerment 428 -
Micromanagement 390 - mode enregistrer 353 - performance évaluation
des performances 330 - remachination 285 - qualité 270 - des heures
supplémentaires sans salaire 262 - manque formation 142 - commander
approvisionnement 112 - Hoteling 60 total voix 4.194
La presse associée a pris l'histoire et elle a obtenu
réimprimée en journaux principaux partout le pays. Le CNN lui a
enregistré plusieurs fois sur des nouvelles principales de temps.
Les douzaines de journalistes et d'expositions de radio m'ont
appelé pour demander mon avis sur la façon dont traiter le problème
d'infestation d'idiot. Je leur ai alimenté un groupe de crap au
sujet de l'importance de la formation. Mais je vous dirai mon vrai
avis:
I think the only solution to the idiot problem is to have specially trained
German Shepherd dogs who identify idiots and separate them from the rest of
the people in meetings.
For example, when the idiot comes to the meeting 15 minutes late and insists
on revisiting the first agenda item the dog will burst into the room and sink
its teeth into the idiot's donut-fattened thigh and drag him into the
hallway. This may seem cruel, but the dogs will get used to it.
But suppose you have no budget for trained dogs. What then? The answer is
to assign all of the idiots to a new project that requires lots of meetings
and has no vital business purpose.
You could call it something like "The Quality Competitiveness Task Force" to
conceal your treachery. Wait nine months (a respectable time) then eliminate
the project and its staff without having to address the question of their
individual shortcomings.
Dogbert Answers My Irritating Mail
In this section, Dogbert answers frequently asked questions which I am too
polite to answer myself.
Dear Mister Adams:
I sent a suggestion that you should do a comic on the subject of "work". If
you use my idea, can you send me the original art?
Timmy
Dear Timmy,
Unlike some lazy cartoonists who draw one original cartoon per day and then
reproduce it, Mister Adams draws an original cartoon directly onto every
single copy of every newspaper. You can simply clip your original Dilbert
art out of the newspaper.
Dogbert
Dear Mister Adams:
I'm an accountant who likes to draw cartoons. I've developed a cartoon
called "Larry the Dust Mite". My friends think it's funny. Could you drop
whatever you're doing and answer all of my questions about cartooning so that
I can become a syndicated cartoonist and bump you out of newspapers? I'd
really appreciate it. Oh, by the way, I love your comic strip Gilbert.
Floyd
Dear Gloyd:
It makes good sense to abandon accounting and try to become a syndicated
cartoonist, despite what you've heard about the odds being 10,000 to 1
against you.
The trick is to get yourself "discovered" by an editor from an important
cartoon syndicate. To do this, you must set yourself apart from the
thousands of would-be cartoonists who simply mail photocopies of their work
to syndicate editors. You must do something different, something memorable.
I recommend plastic surgery to make yourself look like a Klingon from Star
Trek. (Makeup won't fool anybody. You need the surgery.) Then travel to
the headquarters of a major comic syndicate, dress yourself in putrid
street-person clothes, douse yourself with gin and lay on the sidewalk just
outside their lobby. When anybody walks by who could be an editor, leap up
and yell "SPARE CHANGE?!!"
Then you'll all have a good laugh, talking about the Klingon surgery and how
you talked the street-person out of his clothes and all that. Your sense of
humor will be evident. You will form a lifelong bond with the editor and you
will be on your way to fame and fortune.
Dogbert
(P.S. Try King Features first)
(P.P.S. Lazy persons can try subscribing to Cartoonist Profiles at P.O. Box
325, Fairfield, CT 06430 at $25 per year. It has good tips for beginning
cartoonists.)
Dear Mister Adams:
My friend Raquel wrote an e-mail to you and got a personal response. But
when I wrote I got what appears to be an impersonal form letter. What's the
story?
Bernadette
Dear Writer,
Thank you for your letter. Your comments are always appreciated. Have a
nice day.
Dogbert
Problems Getting on the Dilbert List
Many people reported problems getting on the Dilbert mailing list. Some
couldn't sign up automatically. Others didn't receive Newsletter V3.0 and
wondered if they had been excommunicated.
The lesson: Being on the Dilbert list is neither a right nor a privilege;
apparently it's luck. I don't know what the heck is going on. I referred
the problems to my customer service organization but they just continued to
lay in sun spots on my rug and lick their fur.
DNRC Sainthood
Two Dilbert readers have been elevated to sainthood in the DNRC for service
above and beyond the call of nature.
John McDonald earns the title of "Saint John of Cod" for pestering the Cape
Cod Times to reinstate Dilbert after inexplicably dropping it. Many others
also complained, but they didn't write to tell me about it.
David Hershberger earns the title of "Saint David of Grass Valley" for
organizing a grass roots signature campaign to successfully get Dilbert into
the Grass Valley Times (it was front page news in Grass Valley -- and David
was interviewed by the New York Times about it.)
Sainthood in the DNRC comes with some special privileges:
- The right to wear a really big hat
- The right to relieve yourself in the parking lot of
any mall
- The right to call any non-Saint "Big Guy", as in
"How's it goin' Big Guy?"
DNRC Titles
I got thousands of requests for titles in the DNRC. All have been accepted
and sealed in my vault. The most commonly requested title was "Minister of
Redundancy Minister" (about 200 people requested some variant of that -- no
kidding). But you can't have too many of those, so you're all in.
New Dilbert Book in the Works
Dilbert book number five is due later this spring (April or May I think):
"Bring Me the Head of Willy the Mailboy" -- a compilation covering 10/5/90
through 5/18/91. From Andrews & McMeel.
Sending Ideas for Dilbert
Most of my ideas for the strip come from e-mail. (Thanks to all of you who
took the time.)
Remember, the best suggestions are theme ideas, not dialog or "gags". I'll
do the humor part. I'm most inspired by true stories of idiotic management
and clueless business practices.
Send them to me, not a reply to the newsletter address. I'm at
[email protected]. Thanks!
***************** General Dilbert Facts *******************
The cartoon strip Dilbert began in 1989. It now appears in 400 papers in 10
countries. The author (that would be me) receives up to 100 e-mail messages
per day.
Despite what you've heard, I don't work at your company (unless your company
is Pacific Bell, where I work in the ISDN lab).
I read all of my e-mail personally. But obviously I've automated many
responses. If you get a canned response it just means my fingers are tired.
I love you, really.
Copying, Reprinting, Licensing of Dilbert
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York. You can call them at 800-221-4816 (International callers use
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Dilbert Books
"Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies" (new material about working
at a big company), Andrews & McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1757-8)
"Always Postpone Meetings with Time-Wasting Morons" (a compilation of the
first year), Andrews & McMeel.
(ISBN 0-8362-1758-6)
"Clues for the Clueless" from Andrews and McMeel. It's new material on the
subject of manners using the Dilbert cast. (ISBN 0-8362-1737-3)
"Shave the Whales" -- a compilation of the second year of Dilbert, Andrews &
McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1740-3)
"Bring Me the Head of Willy the Mailboy" -- a compilation covering 10/5/90
through 5/18/91. Due spring of 1995, date to be determined.
Check with any bookstore. If that fails, call the publisher directly at
800-826-4216 and order by mail. (International callers use 01-816-932-6700)
Dilbert Business Videos:
Cohen/Gebler Associates has created a set of short animated Dilbert business
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closely on themes from the strip. They're used primarily as ice breakers.
Six titles are currently available:
- Dilbert on Quality
- Dilbert on Managing Change
- Dilbert Does Sales
- Dilbert Does Meetings
- Just the Breaks #1 (Mingling Groups)
- Just the Breaks #2 (110%).
Prices start at $99.
Call 1-800-208-3535 for more information. (International callers use
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Signals Catalog at 800-663-9994
(International callers dial 01-612-659-4312)
Mug: St. Dogbert drives out demons of stupidity
T-Shirt: St. Dogbert drives out demons of stupidity
Sweat Shirt: St. Dogbert drives out demons of stupidity
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Online Dilbert Sources
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[email protected] for subscription info. Daily
current strips.
- World Wide Web:
http://nearnet.gnn.com/gnn/news/comix/dilbert.html
(may not be updated regularly)
Note: None of the Sunday Dilberts are online anywhere yet.
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