:  Nouvelle Classe De Régner De Dogbert (Dnrc) De:  Date De
Scott Adams:  Décembre 1998

  Points culminants:

  

    - réponses à chaînes de lettre
    - Dogbert répond à mon courrier
    - contes
vrais d'Induhviduals
    - histoire de vacances

  

État De Mode De Dnrc

Le DNRC se vante maintenant plus d'un milliard de membres. Je puis dire ceci parce que des livres d'histoire sont écrits par les gagnants. Après que Dogbert conquière le monde, tout le DNRC sera des gagnants. Je projette prendre le crédit pour inventer la poudre et l'algèbre. Recherchez la feuille de signe-vers le haut.

Extrémité De Gestion du temps De Dnrc

Je sais que vous êtes tous occupé cette fois d'année. C'est pourquoi je vous apporte cette extrémité de gestion du temps de DNRC:

Quand votre gestionnaire vous donne une chemise complètement des affectations, essayez de la jeter.

Récemment j'ai reçu les beaucoup d'E-mail " chaîne marque avec des lettres " d'Indduhviduals qui croient qu'ils tomberont malades ou meurent si la chaîne est cassée. J'ai cette image d'un Induhvidual loghting vers le haut d'une cigarette, mangeant son sandwich à lard et à pain de viande, et expédition la lettre à chaînes afin de réduire son risque de maladie.

Pour terminer la peste du E-mail à chaînes, je recommande que tous les membres de DNRC répondent au E-mail à chaînes avec le message ci-dessous. Par la suite tous les contrevenants mourront des maladies psychosomatiques.

Réponse À chaînes De Lettre: " j'ai récemment reçu votre lettre à chaînes. Plus de 1.000 personnes m'a envoyé les lettres à chaînes, et chaque un d'elles est mort dans les six mois, probablement " de la malédiction de l'expéditeur à chaînes de lettre. " Vous mourrez probablement bientôt si vous éprouvez un quelconque des symptômes suivants: 1) Tiredness au bedtime, 2) faim juste avant le déjeuner, 3) incapacité de se rappeler votre nombre de plat de permis, ou 4) stupidité. "

Dogbert Répond À Mon Courrier

Dans cette section, Dogbert répond au courrier que je suis trop poli pour me répondre. Ceux-ci tous sont basés sur de vraies lettres, éditées pour la lisibilité. Les noms ont été changés pour les faire plus amusant.

Cher M. Adams,

Je vous écris avec la plus grande urgence de Lagos, Nigéria. C'est un investissement intéressant que vous ne voudrez pas manquer. Dix millions de dollars dans le lingot d'or a été découverts dans un compte bancaire dans mon nom de famille. Mais en raison de notre situation actuelle de marge brute d'autofinancement de financement, nous ne pouvons pas nous permettre la banque indigne traitant et les honoraires légaux pour prendre la possession de cet or qui est légitime à nous. Je propose que votre individu aimable me câblent les $10.000 États-Unis pour couvrir ces honoraires, et dans le retour vous recevrez un million de dollars de câble à votre compte après que nous prennions la possession de l'or. Veuillez répondre. Le temps est de l'essence.

Swinhar

Cher Escroc,

M. Adams ne sait pas beaucoup au sujet du Nigéria, mais tout qu'il a entendu le mènerait à croire que votre offre est un excellent investissement intéressant sans le risque de chute du cours quelque. Malheureusement, tout l'argent de M. Adams' est déjà attaché dans le système de cour nigérien et il n'a pas l'argent comptant pour payer ses mandataires pour le récupérer. Je propose que vous câbliez M. Adams quelqu'argent vous ayez, puis il libérera son argent pour votre usage. Il vous enverra également un grille-pain libre pour faire des affaires avec lui. Elles sont gagner-gagnent le scénario.

Sincèrement, Dogbert

---

Cher M. Adams,

Je commence un webzine appelé Gnatzass et ai besoin de votre aide. Bien que nous n'ayons aucun abonné encore, mon plan est ceci: Si nous avons seulement à 10% de tout le trafic Internet notre première année, ce serait grande. C'est où vous entrez. Je voudrais faire une entrevue avec vous pour le zine. Veuillez répondre à cette une question par mardi, dans 1500 mots. La question est: " qui sont toutes les compagnies Internet et ce qui est bon et le mauvais au sujet de chacun? " J'espère que ce n'est pas une imposition. *** TRANSLATION ENDS HERE ***

Brendan

Dear Braindead,

Mr. Adams is never too busy to help a stranger in a hopeless cause. He'll get right on it. Mr. Adams also asked me to pass along an out-of-the-box strategy for your webzine. It's a vast improvement on your current strategy and it goes like this: What if you get only 20% of the total Internet traffic in your first year, wouldn't that be much greater than 10%? If you have a financial advisor, you might want to run that calculation past him just to be safe.

Sincerely, Dogbert

---

Dear Mr. Adams,

I'm from the Philippines. I e-mail you because I need your help. I am a college student and I have to do a report of your book The Dilbert Future and I need the summary of your book ... please send me immediately... at least five pages... thank you very much... hope you'll help me...

Luzon

Dear Luzer,

Mr. Adams will start work on your assignment immediately. While you're waiting, you might want to hedge your bets by learning a skill that does not depend on a college degree. I understand you are from the Philippines, where there are many coconuts. I recommend drilling three holes in each coconut and selling them to morons as bowling balls. If you don't know where to find any customers who can't tell the difference between a coconut and a bowling ball, I recommend selling them to yourself. If that doesn't provide enough money for you to live comfortably, try doubling the price.

Sincerely, Dogbert

---

Dear Mr. Adams,

E-mail me about this, okay -- how do you come up with these comics?

Lydia

Dear Lydiot,

Creativity is a mysterious process involving large blocks of aged cheese, a table fan, and a balloon filled with M&Ms. Used properly, these items, plus a little bit of luck, can produce award-winning comics.
Some people think the brain is involved in cartooning, but I have known Mr. Adams for many years and I can assure you it is not.

Sincerely, Dogbert

Dilbert In Service To Humanity

This report just in from the field:

"I am taking a senior-level MIS course. Our professor (who has almost no work experience) gave us an assignment of coming up with a vision statement for our school's information systems organization. A friend of mine, not wanting to spend the hours that I and other students spent fabricating a bogus statement, enlisted the aid of the Dilbert Zone (www.dilbert.com) and the Mission Statement Generator that generates nonsense Mission Statements.

The next day, the professor put my friend's vision statement up on the overhead projector and presented it as an exemplary piece of work."

True Tales Of Induhviduals

Induhviduals continue to pursue their destiny of providing cheap entertainment for the rest of us. Here are some more allegedly true reports from DNRC operatives in the field.

Tale 1

The manager of the IT department wrote that he needed some information regarding what he called the "Y2000K compliancy problem."

He's really thinking ahead.

Tale 2

I went to get a soda and noticed a woman trying unsuccessfully to get the soda machine to accept her dollar bill. She asked for assistance. I helpfully pushed the Coke button, one popped out, I grabbed it and started walking away. Now cleared of the "problem," the machine accepted her dollar. Her reply: "Thank you."

Tale 3

One day while leaving work I saw the security guard for our building, looking confused, standing in the parking lot. I asked what the problem was, and she replied that her car was missing. Suddenly she recalled that earlier in the day she had ordered a car towed from the reserved parking area.

It was her car.

Tale 4

This one comes to us from an Australian operative:

At the start of English class one morning a girl complained she did not have a chair to sit on. Our teacher told her to wait a moment while she went to the room next door to check if they had any spares. She left by the door at the front of our classroom and entered a moment later through the door at the rear of our class. Unaware that she had reentered the same room, she said, "Do you have any extra chairs?"

"No," someone replied.

"Okay," she said, and left.

She reentered the door in the front of the room and said, "I'm sorry, they don't have any chairs. You will just have to kneel."

To this day she is unaware what the laughter was for.

Truth In Signs

A DNRC operative reports seeing this sign in front of a local convenience store:

"Good People Wanted and Managers too!"

I saw this sign at the Blackhawk Cinema:

"Children under 16 must watch R-rated movies with a parent. No exceptions."

Correction

In the last newsletter I taught you how to use Induhviduals for traction if your car gets stuck in the snow. A DNRC member wrote to say this was wrong of me.

The wrong part is that I told you to trick Induhviduals into making contact with the "rear wheels" and then flooring the gas pedal. I should have said "drive wheels" not "rear wheels" to account for front-wheel drive cars.

My Acting Career

Depending where you live, you might be seeing me in the new barnesandnoble.com TV commercials. I play the role of a Dilbert cartoonist with too much makeup and no acting skill whatsoever. Several other authors play themselves in the other commercials in the series.

The blonde actor who talks to me in my episode is holding my new hardcover book, The Joy Of Work. You have to stand up and look at the TV from an angle to see the title on the book. You can't see it from your couch. (Note: Dilbert books are easy to wrap and they make lovely gifts.)

Dilbert TV Show Update

The launch date is set: Jan 25, 1999 at 8 PM. That's when you'll see the animated pilot episode of "Dilbert" on UPN. If you live in the United States, and you can get the UPN network, be sure to tune in. I don't have any information about future availability outside the U.S., but I can assure you we are bent on total global domination. Please be patient.

Dilbert Web Site Upgrade

We're upgrading The Dilbert Zone web site to make the best parts easier to find, and to make the colors less obvious from a distance, in case you're at work. Look for these changes in the New Year, at http://www.dilbert.com.

The redesigned Dilbert Store is available now (http://www.umstore.com/dilbert/). There are many new items, including the Dilbert M&M's candy dispenser, and you can get free items when you spend $50 or more.

Advantages of DNRC Membership

These two messages prove there are immediate and tangible advantages to DNRC membership. You don't have to wait for Dogbert's conquest of civilization to start reaping benefits.

Advantage 1 -- Better Jobs:

This ought to be standard practice, so we can all make sure that we fill our places of employment with fellow DNRC members."

Advantage 2 -- Better Grades:

(Note: some naughty words have been redacted)

"Dilbert saved my (redacted) once in college. I was habitually absent from a political science class last year, and if it wasn't for Dilbert I would have had NO CLUE as to what words like paradigm meant! Needless to say I bull(redacted) my way to a C on the midterm exam, all thanks to Dilbert and his animal buddies! Thanks for a (redacted)load of laughs, keep 'em coming!"

Holiday Story

In the tradition of the Dilbert Newsletter, I include my holiday story with no attempt at humor.

Between the ages of twelve and fifteen I earned money by shoveling snow during the frigid winter months in Windham, New York. My best customers were a retired Greek couple -- Mr. and Mrs. Amanatides -- who lived half a mile from my house. The standing agreement was that on any morning after a snowfall I would arrive at their house at 6 a.m. and shovel the sidewalk prior to Mr. Amanatides' morning walk to town.

This was no small task for a 95-pound kid. It was challenge enough to reach their house through the snow. Usually the roads weren't plowed yet, so I'd take the back way, often crawling through waist-high snowdrifts. I'd be exhausted before the shoveling even began.

As sidewalks go, this was a big job. The Amanatides' walkway went around the entire perimeter of the house and included a patio area and several sets of steps. I was instructed to shovel four inches past the edge of the sidewalk on each side to allow for proper drainage when the snow melted. I had to shovel like a crazed beaver to finish in time for school. After school, I would return and do the driveway.

It was hard work, but it paid embarrassingly well. At a time when five dollars would have been fair pay for an hour of work, Mr. Amanatides volunteered twenty. I was so uncomfortable with that amount that one day I decided to convince him to pay me less. I didn't mind the hard work, but I couldn't bear taking so much money from this nice man.

Normally we didn't talk much. I was always in a hurry and he was a man of few words. Maybe that's why I remember the conversation so well.

After the shoveling was done, I tried my reverse-negotiating technique. I insisted he pay me less from now on. Mr. Amanatides did a quick read on the situation and told me to put my shovel down and listen. He explained his thinking in simple terms, distilled from seventy years of living. When he was done, I thanked him for the money and never brought up the topic again.

Mr. Amanatides passed away some years ago. He didn't get to see that his overpaid snow-shoveler turned out okay. Although he's gone physically, he bought a bit of immortality that cold winter morning, when he looked at the skinny kid from Windham and told him something that many people never hear in their lives. He said, in his thick Greek accent, "You're worth it."

This holiday season, make yourself immortal. Let someone know how much they're worth. You'll be surprised how long they remember it.

Thanks to all of you for making this a great year for me. Have a great holiday and a great 1999.

Scott Adams

=================================================

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