:  Nouvelle Classe De Régner De Dogbert (Dnrc) De:  Date De
Scott Adams:  Septembre 1998

  Points culminants:

  

    - miracles de Dogbert
    - extrémité de crime de DNRC
    - analyse de Zippergate
    - contes vrais d'Induhviduals
    - comment truquer Humility

  

État De Mode De Dnrc

La nouvelle classe de régner de Dogbert a crû à 210.000 membres, chacun avec des cerveaux si grand ils s'adaptent seulement dans des nos crânes incroyablement sexy parce qu'ils sont pliés beaucoup de fois.

Miracles De Dogbert

Les gens écrivent souvent pour me dire des miracles exécutés par Dogbert. Voici juste un exemple.

Cher Scott,

Un jour j'avais des problèmes avec mon connexion Internet. J'ai essayé tout pour le fixer, mais rien n'a eu un effet. Par la suite j'ai mis Dogbert sur l'ordinateur et suis allé au lit. Le jour suivant, chaque problème simple avait été miraculeuxment remédié à!

Je voudrais savoir si Dogbert peut fixer d'autres problèmes, parce que j'ai d'autres choses qui ont besoin de fixing autour de la maison. Merci.

--- extrémité de message --

Je répondrai à cette question ici, puisque bon nombre d'entre vous se demandent la même chose.

Oui, Dogbert peut miraculeuxment résoudre beaucoup de problèmes dans votre vie. Par exemple, si vous connaissez un Induhvidual qui est dans un mauvais rapport, suggérez qu'il collent une poupée de Dogbert jusqu au dessus de sa tête et la gardent là pendant quelques semaines. Avant que vous la sachiez, l'Induhvidual se trouvera librement et choisira encore.

**time-out** si vous vivre dans un froid région, Dogbert pouvoir aider votre voiture obtenir traction quand vous coincer dans neige. Dites simplement à un Induhvidual qu'il y a une poupée libre de Dogbert sous votre voiture. Quand l'Induhvidual essaye de trouver Dogbert, et contacte accidentellement votre roue arrière, branchez dans la voiture et parquetez-la. (extrémité: Pour les meilleurs résultats choisissez un Induhvidual avec une veste de laines.)

Si vous avez un patron qui parle avec sa bouche pleine, suggérez qu'il gardent une poupée de Dogbert sur son épaule. Elle n'aidera pas avec l'ouvrir-bouche mâchant, mais au moins vous aurez quelque chose de plaisant de regarder quand il parle.

Si vous êtes un parent qui s'inquiète que votre fille d'adolescent d'Induhvidual pourrait devenir enceinte, Dogbert peut aider là aussi. Vous pourriez avoir entendu parler des programmes d'école où des étudiants sont invités à porter un oeuf avec eux partout pendant une semaine, de ce fait simulant les rigueurs de la condition parentale. **time-out** vous pouvoir améliorer sur ce exercice par avoir votre fille feindre Dogbert père enfant, de ce fait fournir un explication pour pourquoi bébé former comme un oeuf. Dogbert jouera son rôle en tant que papa de deadbeat, ne fournissant aucun support quelque. En fait, il pourrait même essayer de parler les petites amies de votre fille dans prendre un oeuf avec lui aussi.

Extrémité De Crime De Dnrc

Cet état d'un membre de DNRC montre que les criminels deviennent plus futés chaque jour:

" après vacationing au New Jersey, ma famille et moi a décidé de passer un jour à Atlantic City. Nous nous sommes garés chez le Tropicana Casino. Tandis qu'à l'intérieur de, quelqu'un cassait le Window à nos livres de Dilbert de voiture et d'étole deux, tout en laissant deux joueurs CD et $300 la valeur du DS. "

-- Fin D'État --

Cet état suggère une voie de se protéger dans une zone élevée de crime. Portez toujours quelques livres supplémentaires de Dilbert dans votre baluchon, serviette ou bourse. **time-out** si troupe membre entourer vous, enlever out Dilbert livre, jeter les dans un direction et exécuter dans autre. La volonté de troupe scurry après le Dilbert réserve, probablement se détruisant dans le processus, alors que vous faites votre fuite.

Votre Compagnie Est-elle condamnée?

Have you checked lately to see if your company blocks access to the Dilbert web site at http://www.dilbert.com? Dilbert is often banned under the theory that it is the only thing preventing morale from soaring.

Induhviduals And Zippergate

Lately I have been subjected to many Induhvidual opinions about Zippergate. Rather than respond to them as they happen, which would require me to yell at my television set, thereby scaring all of my other appliances, I will address these curious viewpoints here.

Note: I have no strong opinion of what should happen to the President. I'm just amused by it all.

Induhvidual Opinion #1 -- It's about lies, not sex

Some Induhviduals say it's not the sex, it's the lying that's the real problem. But it's not a general kind of lying that's the problem, it's specifically the President's unwillingness to share details of his sex life with every human being in the world. By that standard, only Geraldo Rivera and Dennis Rodman could qualify to be President.

If lying is so damnable, let's say we decide to impeach every politician who lies to the American people. They'd be dropping like flies. I forget how the chain of command works, but I think that after the President and the Vice President, you have the Speaker of The House, and then members of the cabinet, and on from there. It would take about two months before a near-sighted postal clerk has the nuclear launch codes.

When the politicians who vote on impeachment tell us they will be non-political, asking us to believe they will ignore the fact that Al Gore could become president, do you think they are telling the truth? And if they aren't, shouldn't we impeach them too?

Induhvidual Opinion #2 -- How Can Clinton Govern Now?

I have this image in my head of Yasser Arafat visiting the White House. Clinton offers him a Presidential cigar and Arafat says, "If you don't mind, could I have one that is still in the original wrapper?" This ugly incident turns into a towel fight and triggers World War Three.

That's the best scenario I could come up with in which the President's ability to govern is affected by Zippergate.

I guess there's one other possibility. Suppose Congress passes some legislation and it comes to Clinton's desk for signature, but Hillary has broken both of his arms. That might slow him down. But he could still grip a pen in his teeth and sign the bill into law. And if Hillary punched out his teeth too, all you really needs is a bottle of dipping ink and a cute intern to improvise a solution. It wouldn't be the photo opportunity we're used to, but at this point, nothing seems too shocking.

Let's say the President is less able to push his agenda in Congress now, because no one wants to be his friend . I keep asking myself how my life will be different, compared to the dynamic leadership we expect from a second term minority party president. So far, I'm stumped.

Induhvidual Opinion #3 -- Any CEO would be fired

The pundits keep saying that any CEO who has an affair with an employee would be fired. But on my planet, Earth, CEOs routinely boff the staff, literally and figuratively, and I know of no example where any CEO ever got fired for anything except falling stock prices or accounting irregularities. Who started the rumor that CEOs get fired for bedding their underlings? Didn't Bill Gates marry one of his employees?

Induhvidual Opinion #4 -- You Can't Do That In The Military

Pundits point out that the President would be kicked out of the military for his behavior, if in fact he were in the military. We can extend this brilliant analysis to see how he would be treated by other organizations to which he does not belong.

For example, I also believe he would be kicked out of the Girl Scouts for his behavior. That sort of activity is very disruptive to the meetings. And I don't think you can participate in the Big Sister program with that on your record either. I also believe he would be fired as editor of Cigar Aficionado magazine if he worked there, which he doesn't.

Induhvidual Opinion #5 -- We can't help thinking about it

Some people say Clinton can't be effective because every time we look at him we'll be grossed out thinking of his sex life. Personally, I already have that problem with most politicians, not to mention many of my friends, and my entire extended family. In fact, the only politician I can imagine having sex, without wincing, is Al Gore, and that's only because I assume he does it fully clothed.

Induhvidual Opinion # 6 -- Not In The Oval Office!

Some people are incensed because the dirty deeds happened in the White House. This implies that some other location wouldn't have been so bad. So I'm wondering, where **is** the best place for the President to do that sort of thing? Would a State Park be okay, or is that still government land? How about the French Embassy? That's technically foreign soil, and they probably have a cot in the back for just that kind of situation.

Induhvidual Opinion #7 -- We Wasted 40 Million Dollars!

Sure, it was expensive, but I feel I got my money's worth. I figure my share was about eighty cents, and I've been entertained for months. Compare that to the seven bucks I paid to see the Godzilla movie and I think you�ll agree it's a bargain.

And consider the positive impact on the media. It was a slow news year. If the media had gone one more week without an interesting story, they would have had to kill another member of the British royal family just to fill airtime. No one wants that.

Induhvidual Opinion #8 -- It's Sexual Harassment

Some say that because Monica was a White House employee, and Clinton had power to influence her career, it is sexual harassment by definition.

I suppose it's possible that Monica thought she would get a cabinet job after her internship was over, or possibly become ambassador to Great Britain. And I suppose it's possible that Monica was afraid of being demoted from her lucrative intern job. So I guess that's the best point I've heard so far.

Read This Before Flaming Me For My Opinions

My Political Opinions?

Many people have mistaken my jokes about Zippergate for actual opinions. As I have said many times, I would never express my complete and unvarnished opinions about anything important. I would surely be killed if anyone knew what was really happening inside my head.

According to my flaming e-mail, the Zippergate jokes seemed like opinions because of the things I did NOT address, such as the legal and moral implications of adultery and lying under oath. That made it seem like I was presenting an unbalanced political opinion.

For the record, I ignored the legal and moral issues because they are matters of fact, on which virtually all citizens agree. (He lied under oath. He was immoral. The evidence for other crimes is ambiguous.) People have legitimate differences in opinion on how important the facts are, and what to do next. But that's not funny. It's hard to make jokes on topics where everyone has the correct information and has formed a rational opinion.

Instead, I chose to mock the opinions I've heard that are based on wrong assumptions, or are simply not relevant to the main issues. As citizens we are, in effect, managing the government by our collective opinions. And bad management deserves mocking in any context. I think it's fair to weed out the silly arguments about Zippergate. What you do with the remainder is up to you. Don't think you have my advice on the subject.

True Tales Of Induhviduals

Those Induhviduals continue to amaze and amuse. Here are some more allegedly true stories from DNRC operatives.

Tale

During a field training exercise at Fort Bragg, one of my Induhvidualistic cow-orkers was ordered by his boss to walk in the dark to the aviation unit about a half-mile down the road. The Induhvidual asked his boss if he could drive the Humvee because he did not feel like walking.

His boss said no, because someone has to walk in front of the Humvee to "guide" it with a dim light, because in a tactical situation (like one where we would face an enemy) we of course can not use our headlights at night. The Induhvidual - revealing his true nature - then offered to solve this problem by volunteering to be the one who walks in front of the Humvee.

Tale

I was leaving my phone number for a receptionist to pass on to someone else. I started with my area code 612, then remembered that our area code changes on Sunday. I said, "No, wait, make that 651. Our area code changes on Sunday." To which she responded, "Every Sunday?"

Risk Of DNRC Membership

After the last newsletter, I got this criticism from a concerned member of the DNRC:

Dear Mr. Adams,

I've been in the DNRC for years and I really enjoyed the "Are you an Induhvidual" test. But, I thought the True Tales Of Induhviduals to be...well off-putting. As I was reading them I was thinking of my teenage stepson. He loves your newsletters -- he is very bright -- but he is constantly putting people down because of their inferior intellect, and your newsletter no doubt fueled his arrogance.

I know it's not your job to teach my son humility, but frankly I've never thought the True Tales Of Induhviduals to be very funny. I'd rather see a short newsletter than another like the last.

Respectfully,

[name withheld]

-- End Of Message --

While I agree it is not my job to teach humility to children, I'm sure I'd be GREAT at it. In fact, I might be the best teacher of humility in the entire world!! Let the lesson begin:

First, kids, remember that if you really ARE a worthless leech on society, it will only make things worse if you tell people about it. So the only kind of humility worth having is the kind that's completely false and out of keeping with the actual genius and sex appeal that is yours by virtue of being in the DNRC. If you have any actual worth as a human being, you must learn to speak of yourself in degrading and dishonest terms. People will like you better that way.

For example, let's say you won the Nobel Prize for coming up with the cure for cancer while simultaneously developing a source of unlimited free energy. When you accept the prize, you would be tempted to say...

"KNEEL BEFORE MY UNSURPASSED BRILLIANCE! TO ME, ALL OF YOU ARE NOTHING BUT LIVESTOCK IN CLOTHES!"

That would be considered arrogant and impolite. The polite approach is to express false humility, i.e., to lie about yourself in a most obvious fashion. For example, you might say...

"I am humbled by this award. Clearly I do not deserve it. I am unattractive and incredibly stupid. Sometimes I smell bad. This was nothing but luck."

If you lie to people about your obvious talents, they will love and admire you for being dishonest with them. I don't know why this works, but it does. And it's an important lesson to all the younger members of the DNRC. Kids, until the day that Dogbert conquers the planet and makes all Induhviduals our personal servants, try to follow these guidelines to stay out of trouble:

- Don't make fun of Induhviduals unless you have your own newsletter.

- Learn to manipulate adults by acting very polite even though you are a weasel.

New Dilbert Books

New in September, my hardcover book, The Joy Of Work. It's similar in format to The Dilbert Principle (new writing about the workplace, plus a sprinkling of relevant Dilbert strips). This one focuses on how to take advantage of the strong labor market and create workplace happiness for yourself at the expense of your boss, co-workers, and those lazy stockholders who have never done anything for you. Specifically, you will learn how to...

• Manage your boss before he tries to turn the tables and manage you;
• Give yourself a stealth raise;
• Convert your cubicle into a utopian playland;
• Avoid work by pretending to be "creative";
• Prevent your brain from burrowing out of your skull during meetings;
• Entertain yourself at the expense of your co-workers.

I'll also teach you my Dilbertian secrets for creativity and humor. No matter how boring you are, these tips and tricks will make you seem to be more interesting.

Dilbert Book Signing Info

If you live in the San Francisco Bay Area, I'll be signing my new book, The Joy Of Work, at Stacey's Cafe in Pleasanton, California, at 310 Main St. on Monday, October 19th, from 5 - 8 PM. Books will be provided by Towne Center Books of Pleasanton. From highway 680, take the Bernal exit, East on Bernal, left on Main St.

I'm co-owner of the Stacey's Cafe. That's why it's there.

Dilbert Product Information

If you'd like information on what kinds of Dilbert-related products you can get, send an e-mail message in the following format:

Address: [email protected]
Subject Line: Products
Message: Products

You won't be put on any additional mailing lists if you do that. You'll receive an e-mail listing the licensee for each Dilbert product, with phone numbers to call if you need more information. The number of products just got too long to include in the newsletter.

Or check out the Dilbert Zone Web site: http://www.dilbert.com

You can order selected Dilbert products directly from The Dilbert Store: http://www.umstore.com/dilbert/ New products include Dilbert, Dogbert and Catbert, Ratbert and The Boss 20 oz. mugs.
Click her to order mugs.

Also check your local bookstores, and office and computer supply stores.

How to Subscribe Automatically

You can sign up for the free Dilbert Newsletter automatically. Send an e-mail to: [email protected] (note: there's no "e" on the end of "listserv.") Put "newsletter" in the SUBJECT line, and type the following in the BODY of the message, not the SUBJECT line: subscribe Dilbert_News Firstname Lastname Don't include any other information. Your e-mail address will be picked up automatically.

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