: Nouvelle Classe De Régner De Dogbert (Dnrc) De: Date De
Scott Adams: Fin Août 1997
Points culminants: - Histoires vraies
d'Induhviduals
- Prank enregistre
- comment je détruis l'économie de la planète
- réponses de Dogbert mon courrier
État De Mode De Dnrc
Depuis le commencement du DNRC en 1994, l'économie du monde
a augmenté pour enregistrer des niveaux d'emploi et de productivité.
Il n'y a eu aucune guerre de commandant. L'inflation a relevé de la
commande, et le budget des Etats-Unis a été équilibré.
C'est un enregistrement très bon, considérer tout que nous
était E-mail lu et fait l'amusement des personnes stupides. Je
suis fier de chaque un de vous.
Vous pourriez demander, ce qui est parti pour que nous
accomplissent? Obtiendrons-nous ennuyeux?
Ne vous inquiétez pas. Je crée de nouveaux problèmes
mondiaux chaque jour. Exemple, ce titre récent:
Nouvelles
De Mercure De San Jose, Dimanche, Août 10, 1997
la " crainte de Dilbert décourage les commandants [
techniques ]. Personne ne veut être un nerd -- pas même étudiants
intelligents. "
Ce n'est pas simplement un cas d'un certain journaliste qui
devient payé par le mot. Le non, ceci est un problème important et
c'est mon défaut. Je reçois la pleine responsabilité.
Mais j'ai fait bien plus mauvais. Selon plusieurs articles
édités récemment, plus un nouveau livre dû hors de cette chute, le
Dilbert comique est une " soupape de sûreté " cette des employés de
causes pour recevoir doucement le mauvais traitement sur le travail.
(c'est dans le contraste rigide à la rébellion sanglante de
compartiment qui se produisait avant le Dilbert comique.)
Peut-être vous avez également noté que la conception la
plus populaire pour les cravates des hommes est en retard la
conception rouge et noire large de raie. Le Président Clinton porte
un souvent. Coïncidence?
Apparemment je vais bien sur le chemin à détruire
l'éducation, la technologie, l'économie et la mode de la planète.
Je fais ceci ainsi le DNRC aura de nouveaux défis. Allez maintenant
à lui!
Extrémité De Dnrc Pour Le Jour
Quand certains voient que le mot " collègue " qu'elles
pensent il signifie les mêmes que l'" collègue. " Mais il pas . Le
collègue est de l'expression anglaise d'Olde, " orker de vache, "
comme dans la phrase suivante qui mieux est lue avec un accent de
cockney, " workin d'ain't de I ' avec ' im! Il est un orker sanglant
de vache! "
Histoires Vraies D'Induhviduals
Puisque vous ne pouvez pas obtenir à assez de ces
Induhviduals whacky (le peuple qui ne sont pas des membres du DNRC),
voici des contes plus vrais comme enregistré par des employés de
DNRC.
Je visitais le château de Windsor, en dehors de de Londres,
des vacances. Le château de Windsor est directement dans la voie
d'accès de vol de l'aéroport international de Gatwick. Tout en se
tenant en dehors du château admirant la structure élégante, un
avion volait au-dessus à une basse altitude relativement faisant une
quantité énorme de noise.One en particulier Induhvidual de touristes
qu'américain gêné se tenant à côté de moi a pleurniché, "
pourquoi ils construisent le château ainsi près de l'aéroport??? "
J'ai tiré dans le Window de driveup de roi d'hamburger et ai
passé ma commande. Se rappelant que j'ai voulu me mettre quelques
pièces de monnaie supplémentaires pour la machine de café au
travail, j'ai remis le type $6,00 pour ma facture $4,25 et dit, "
pourrais j'obtenir un certain changement supplémentaire? "
Il me regarde, blankly. Les pleines cinq secondes passent
tandis qu'il essaye de le figurer dehors. l'" OH ouais, bien. " Il
dit, " divise très bien? " " ouais, sûr " je lui dis. Il me donne
alors ma nourriture et sept quarts... plus un dollar... et trois
quarts supplémentaires.
Je devine quand le client demande le changement
supplémentaire qu'il l'obtient!
J'ai marché jusqu' au compteur à un joint frit à chaînes
de poulet et ai demandé le cashier-Induhvidual une soude et un
morceau de poulet.
" croustillant ou régulier, " elle a demandé.
"I don't care. Either will be fine," I replied.
"Crispy or regular," she asked again, annoyed.
"...Ahh, Crispy then," I responded.
"We are out of crispy," she said.
---------
A couple of years ago, when I worked at a large company, our "sexual
harassment training" included a company letter that stated "Don't treat a
female engineer like a secretary." Needless to say, the secretaries were
not amused.
---------
I was helping a friend (yes I admit it, I have an Induhvidual for a
friend) set up her new computer. It was a desktop model, so I naturally
placed it on top of her desk in the traditional setup. A few minutes
after I had installed the software, she complained that she wished she
had bought a tower pc instead of the desktop computer as it took up too
much space on her desk. I promptly took the computer off the desk,
flipped it on its side and placed it on the floor. She then looked at
me in amazement and asked,"You can do that?"
(Editor's Note: An easy way to make some extra money is by offering to
upgrade Induhvidual's desktop computers to tower configurations.)
---------
(Name changed to protect the guilty person in this true tale)
I had just started work in a laboratory. I frequently ran across news
items that I would pass along to our supervisor. I would write across
the top: "Tina, FYI."
After about two weeks, Tina walked in and said "Are you mad at me?"
I said "no, why?"
She said, "Well, you keep sending me these rude notes. Everything I get
from you says 'FYI.' I KNOW what the 'FY' stands for. What does the 'I'
stand for? ENORMOUSLY?"
[Editor's Note: Evidently, the "I" stands for Induhvidual.]
---------
This one sounds like urban legend to me, but I'll pass it on anyway.
There was a soccer professional in Germany who was offered a third
of an amount of money. That didn't sound like enough, so he asked
for at least a fourth, and got it. When he saw how easy it was he
pushed some more and finally got a fifth!
[Editor's Note: I'll bet his wife got a fifth when she heard that, and
drank it alone.]
---------
I walked down to the Pepsi machine. Soda is $.90 .. There were three
post-its(tm) on the machine... one said "this machine owes me $.90"
another "this machine owes me $.90" and last but not least "this machine
owes me $1.80"......
---------
My friend is sitting in an introductory electromagnetism class,
and the teacher is discussing the concept of the electric field,
and how electric charges give rise to electric fields. So he sets
up the problem by saying, "And so we take our magic wand and put a
charge Q on this conductor, and a charge -Q on this conductor." He
continues to explain the problem, until a couple of minutes later,
one of the students blurts out "What magic wand!?"
[Editor's Note: When this student enters the workforce, I hope I meet
him when I ask for "extra change."]
---------
I was at the library making copies of articles for a research paper and
discovered that the copy machine wasn't working (after having plugged
several dimes into it). I told the girl at the library desk the copy
machine was malfunctioning, to which she replied, "I know".
Exasperated, I asked why she hadn't put a sign on the machine
indicating it was broken so people wouldn't waste their money. Her
answer was, "We don't have a sign like that".
---------
I'm afraid that my future sister-in-law is an Induhvidual. Borrowing a
line from Steven Wright, I asked her, "When you shoot a mime, do you use
a silencer?" She said smugly, "No, they can still hear."
---------
A friend was asked to be interim director of our Institute while the
director was away. The following day I noticed him looking at a form
with an amused look on his face. He was required by policy to sign a
form to authorize the transfer of signing authority. Under each category
indicating the amounts or the things he could sign for (i.e. vacations,
overtime, etc.) it said NONE in each case.
He had to sign a form which would give him the authority not to
authorize anything.
---------
I brought my film to the "One Hour Developing" place and asked for the
one hour service. "No problem," said the owner, You can pick it up in
two hours."
I protested, "The sign says one hour developing. "
"That's right," he said, "One hour developing takes about two hours."
[Editor's Note: Be sure to order the double-wide prints, which are the
same size as the regular ones.]
DNRC Prank Report
This galactic prank report comes directly from the field:
I took the QuickTime panorama of the Mars Pathfinder, reworked it into
my own HTML web page (neatly entitled "Pathfinder Mission Control")
and put a heading "Pathfinder Active Camera Control" above the panorama.
Soon the news travelled, from Induhvidual to Induhvidual, that I had
found a way to control the camera on the Pathfinder from my computer at
work. My PC was swarmed by Induhviduals each taking their turn
"controlling the camera".
And another prank report...
A friend of mine works at a large insurance company as a sysadmin. He
informed his boss that the boss's hard disk needed to be "balanced."
My friend gave his boss a program which writes "weight files" on
carefully computed spots on the disk, so that the balanced disk will run
smoother. The boss distributed the program among the employees and
ordered them to regularly have their hard disks balanced.
DNRC Motto
Visionary Dave Morse suggests this motto for the DNRC:
I can please only one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
Curing the Voicemail-Playing Coworker
I get many complaints from people about their cow-orking co-workers
who use the speakerphone function to listen to their voicemail messages
everyday. This is very annoying if you are in the next cube. But I
have a cure for this.
From an anonymous phone, preferably a payphone or the desk phone of
a dimwitted cow-orker, leave a sexually suggestive message on the
offending Induhvidual's voice mail. Do this every day until the
problem abates.
The messages should be naughty enough to embarrass the person who
plays it aloud, but not so naughty that you'll get fired if they find
out it's you. I suggest using breathy and suggestive sentences that
make oblique references to things like vegetable oil, feathers and
lost wristwatches.
That oughta do it.
Dogbert Answers My Mail
In this section, Dogbert answers the mail that I'm too polite
to answer myself.
Dear Mr. Adams,
After reading your 7/31/97 cartoon and sharing it with a fellow
co-worker, we got into a small discussion.
The issue involves the last panel of the cartoon in which a rather
large person is pictured at a copy machine. Is this large human being
clearly meant to be a female? If so, I feel this could be taken as
being politically incorrect for the reason that men can also have fat
rear ends. However, it always seems that women are the ones pictured
with the fat rear ends.
A short reply from your side to clarify the situation would be greatly
appreciated.
Barb L.
Dear Bulb,
You make a good point. All the male characters in the Dilbert strip are
trim and good-looking. Dilbert, Wally and the Pointy-haired boss are all
Chippendale dancers on weekends.
But the female characters don't get such favorable treatment. More often
than not they are depicted as gigantic creatures whose butt cheeks
embrace Wally's head in an accidental embrace. Apparently this is Mr.
Adams' idea of "funny."
I will talk to Mr. Adams about this obvious bias and have it corrected
immediately.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
Your Opinion On Next Dilbert Book
I'm looking for opinions from the wise and astonishingly attractive
members of DNRC. What do you think I should focus on for the next
hardcover Dilbert book?
The Dilbert Principle focused on cubicle life and bad management.
Dogbert's Top Secret Management Handbook did the same. The newest
book, The Dilbert Future, took a broader view, describing how idiots
will threaten every aspect of business, technology and society in the
future. Should the next book go back to a business-only focus, or
would you like to see me keep a wider scope? You can best answer
that by telling me your reaction to The Dilbert Future. Did you
appreciate the break from office humor or did you wish there had been
more of it? If you liked The Dilbert Principle but didn't read
The Dilbert Future, why not?
(There's one theory that the book cover designs for The Dilbert Principle
and The Dilbert Future are so similar that people think they already read
The Dilbert Future.)
Send any thoughts on The Dilbert Future and suggestions for the next
book to [email protected]
Thanks!
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Or check out the Dilbert Zone Web site:
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You can order selected Dilbert products directly from the United Media
Online Store. Also check your local bookstores, and office and computer supply stores.
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