Points culminants:  - Histoires vraies
d'Induhviduals
  - extrémités pour Induhviduals
  - comment j'ai altéré la jeunesse du monde
  - dans les coulisses aux productions de Dilbert
  

État De Mode De Dnrc

Ce sont des périodes périlleuses pour le DNRC. Quelque Induhviduals ont infiltré de façon ou d'autre les rangs de nos 200.000 membres. Certains de ces Induhviduals -- Dieu aidez-nous -- avoir même appris à taper. **time-out** sur échelle dangereux chose, ceci droit vers le haut là avec trouver dehors que chat avoir piloter votre minivan nuit.

Heureusement, ne sont pas Induhviduals ce que vous appelleriez des maîtres de déguisement. Ils sont facilement identifiés par les types de plaintes qu'ils m'envoient. Voici quelques plaintes réelles reçues ce mois, tout véritable, mais éditées pour les rendre presque intelligibles:

- votre dessin animé sur 6/9/97 semble préconiser l'enseignement de la pensée critique aux enfants. C'est dangereux. Des enfants doivent ÊTRE DITS ce qui est exact et erroné, non enseigné à penser! La pensée critique est exactement le tri de la chose qui a causé le bombardement de ville de l'Oklahoma!

- vous semblez préconiser (dans le futur de Dilbert) ces personnes notez leurs buts. N'importe quelle forme de la prière qui n'est pas orientée sur Dieu peut seulement être répondue par Satan. Par conséquent, vous favorisez Satanism!

- je vois des marchandises de Dilbert partout. **time-out** je démarrer pour penser ceci rien mais quelque tri géant traçage pour faire argent pour vous!

- je ne puis pas croire que votre dernier bulletin n'était rien mais un chapitre de votre livre meilleur-best-selling. Je m'attends à ce que vous mettiez plus d'effort dans vos bulletins libres!

Je ne m'occupe pas de s'appeler un terroriste avide et satanic. Mais quand quelqu'un m'accuse de ne pas mettre assez d'effort dans le bulletin libre de Dilbert, ils sont allés trop loin! **time-out** ces whiners avoir purger DNRC liste et banir un vie futur servitude quand Dogbert conquérir monde et faire tout Induhviduals notre personnel domestique.

Quant aux autres infiltrators, je ne suis pas trop inquiété. Induhviduals ne déchiffrera jamais le code caché d'sauter-ordre inclus en chaque bulletin de Dilbert, n'importe comment beaucoup d'heures ils dépensent le rechercher.

Utilisations pour Induhviduals

Vous pourriez vous demander quel bon tout l'Induhviduals sont à nous, donnés leur manque complet d'intelligence et de leur appel inexistant de sexe. Mais cette vue dure donne sur complètement leur plus grand dispositif: ils occupent l'espace. Ce seul est assez pour les rendre valables pour un éventail de projets de construction. En fait, je crois que notre devise devrait être:

Induhviduals sont nos capitaux plus valables.

Évidemment, la voie appropriée de dire la devise dehors est fort avec le faux sérieux, suivi d'un rire maniaque.

DNRC's possèdent Saint Diana du Pays de Gales, ont graciously fourni quelques excellents exemples des utilisations pour Induhviduals.

- presse-papiers
- facticex d'essai de panne totale (ils sont biodégradables!)
- décapants de cheminée (beaucoup d'Induhviduals ont les " grands cheveux ")
- l'alternative " le clapet, " a appelé " le Slapper "
- recherche des hubcaps des médianes des omnibus
- appareils de contrôle de goût pour des choses que vous trouvez sur la terre
- statues (ceci exige la peinture et le plâtre)
- bêtas appareils de contrôle pour des cordes de bungee
- devoir de fortune

Correction

**time-out** je un grand assez homme pour admettre quand je faux. En bulletin 13,0 I dit nous pourrions employer Induhviduals pour exécuter dans les deux sens pour continuer l'air circuler bien. Mais je n'avais pas pensé cette idée à travers, comme j'ai été rappelé par cette lettre d'une source anonyme:

" toutes ces personnes exécutant dans les deux sens soulèveraient la température de l'air. Ce pourrait être parfait en hiver, mais pendant l'été il serait contre- productif. Une meilleure idée serait suspendre la moitié d'eux du plafond et de faire les balancer l'autre demi. Ce serait beaucoup plus efficace. " *** TRANSLATION ENDS HERE ***

Induhviduals continue to amuse us. These reports are just in from DNRC operatives in the field:

A few months ago I went to a deli during my lunch break. Guess what the special was? A "bowel" of soup -- only $1.00! I asked if it was pea soup, but the conversation with the owner went downhill from there.

I work on the help desk here, and have just gotten off the phone with a customer who was asking us about her network connection. She insisted that the 3com card in her PC was not powerful enough for her needs and that she had "looked into it" and had decided she wanted a 4com card instead as they were obviously better.

This report is from a DNRC operative in a high school physics class:

Two girls working on a lab project were trying unsuccessfully to light their alcohol burner. My lab partner and I offered our assistance. One of the girls asked why her burner didn't have a "fuzzy thing" (referring to the wick) like all the others. I took it out of her hands, and removed the cap that goes on the wick during storage. She had been trying to light a piece of steel on fire for five minutes.

We were watching TV when an ad came on for "The Club" car theft prevention device. The Induhvidual in the room said, "Who would want to steal a steering wheel?"

I work in tech support. An end-user called and reported, "My computer is making a strange noise." We visited the site and identified the problem: a pager (set on vibrate) in his drawer.

[Editor's note: Later that day he called the Men's Wearhouse 800 number to report that his pants were making a strange noise.]

Our soda machine had an out-of-order sign taped over the money slot. The Induhvidual walked up, lifted the piece of paper, and inserted his dollar. He was still cursing the machine for stealing his money as I walked back to my office.

[Editor's note: Induhviduals are an excellent way to keep your "cost of goods sold" expenses low.]

One of our departments here at Microsoft ordered a new computer for one of our projects. It gets shipped with MICROSOFT in prominent letters on the shipping label. Imagine our surprise when we found a bootleg copy of Microsoft Windows preinstalled on the machine. Talk about a feat truly worthy of Induhvidualness.

My co-worker asked our new Admin Assistant to schedule a meeting with a group of people. The Admin scheduled the meeting but didn't invite the person who had asked her to set up the meeting.

[Editor's note: Hey, she's not a mind reader.]

This one's a double sighting:

I stopped off at the gas station to fill up my car. I pumped in $18.50 worth of gas and went to pay. In front of me in line was a guy (obviously from out of town) asking for directions and signing a VISA slip. When that guy left, the fun began:

	CLERK:		"Can I help you?"

	ME: 		"I'm the $18.50 charge."

	CLERK (confused): "Sorry, there's no charges on the
			computer.  But I just charged that last guy $18.50."

	ME (very pleased): "You mean that guy paid for my gas?" 

	CLERK:		"No, he was just in here asking for directions."

	ME: 		"Then why did you charge him $18.50."

	CLERK:		"Ummmm...excuse me!"

Then he ran out of the booth, but alas the other Induhvidual had left. I wonder if the other Induhvidual thinks people in my city always charge $18.50 for directions.

[Editor's Note: The lesson here is that if someone asks you for directions, ask for their credit card and charge them. You might get lucky. In fact, it's a safe bet that the Induhvidual in the story is still lost, and that's easy money for whoever runs into that person next.]

I am at a fast order restaurant at one of our local universities. I order a BLT. The Induhvidual behind the counter asked if I would like lettuce and tomato with that.

I suppose I *could* have just wanted a B.

[Editor's note: I think a BLT should be called a BLTT to include the "toast" in the recipe. That would clear up a lot of confusion.]

My wife was reading your latest newsletter and said, "individual" is spelled wrong all over this document.

[Editor's Note: It's okay to marry Induhviduals as long as you're only doing it for the laughs.]

My science class teacher was going to show us an x-ray of a man's chest. Before he placed it on the overhead projector, he cautioned us that the long white line attached to the solid white disk was NOT a yo-yo that the person had swallowed. It was a pacemaker. After the x-ray had been on the overhead a couple of seconds, the most outspoken Induhvidual in the class asked in a perplexed tone, "He swallowed a PACEMAKER?"

Our company requires us to fill out weekly time sheets and turn them in to the Executive VP (a practice going back 8+ years). It turns out he never wanted them, so he made a rule today that we need to give them directly to the VP of Development. The VP of Development does not want them. The company policy of filling out timesheets will not change in the near future. So now we are required to fill out timesheets fully, and then throw them out.

[Editor's Note: A good way to identify Induhviduals in your company is by looking for the people who do the most thorough job of recording their time.]

The sign on the front of the Taco Bell in my town says:

"We have tacos."

I went in to verify this fact for myself. It turns out that they do sell tacos, never bells. The sign was very helpful.

Here's a true story: The receptionist's intercom buzzes, and an Induhvidual's voice comes through, calling out, "hello, hello?"

But the receptionist had stepped away from her desk. Two seconds later, the buzzer sounds again, and it's the same guy, calling "hello, hello?"

Still no answer. Next thing you know, the guy comes all the way down the hall from his office, bumps into the receptionist, and tells her her intercom doesn't work.

He runs back to his office to prove it to her. "Hello, hello?"

She responds, and he excitedly comes all the way back down the hall to her desk to tell her it works now, it must be fixed! She looks at him funny, and he goes all the way back to his office, then buzzes her again, "Hello, hello?"

"Yes," she replies.

"Can you bring me that file from your desk?"

Tip: If a customs officer asks for your visa, don't say, "I have cash. Do you take that?"

In fact, most countries don't charge a cover fee. And only France has a two drink minimum.

Some of you noticed that the Dilbert comic for 7/17/97 was different depending on where you saw it. The original cartoon's punchline was offensive to some people because it included the phrase, "That might have sucked." Anticipating problems -- my editor at United Media has been down this road before -- I offered newspapers an alternate punchline if they wanted to use it. The alternate was, "That might have been useless." I don't know how many papers ran the alternate.

Both versions were printed on the United Media web site a week later so we could get reader reactions. Most Dilbert readers who responded were pro-suck. But some disagreed. Here's a sample from the dissenting opinion:

Scott,

In response to your question, the "sucked" version appeared in our paper. I was unhappily surprised to see that.

Contrary to popular belief, morals and ethics do matter (unless you want to be president), and "sucked" used in this manner is unacceptable.

As a former high school teacher, I would like to state that many children read that strip and feel that because it was in the comics, it is acceptable daily language. When they are in school, and the teacher asks why girders are made of steel instead of balsa wood, they will reply "Because balsa wood girders would suck" instead of "Because balsa wood girders would be useless."

It is bad enough that this type of language (which, in addition to being immoral, contributes to poor vocabulary skills) is on the idiot box. We don't need it in the funniest comic strip.

[name omitted by me]

-- end of letter --

So, in addition to being a greedy, satanic terrorist, I am also destroying the morals of a generation of school children. In cartooning terms, that's called a home run. It will be hard to improve on that next month.

Just when you think the educational system is in decay, along comes an inspirational story like this one:

Dear Scott,

Just a quick report about the success of the joke I played on the faculty of Los Gatos High School (SF Bay Area). The idea came from your newsletter which suggested "converting" a copier to voice activation. The faculty copiers already have electronic boxes which require a password to be entered. I decided to convert one to voice activation. On 4/1/97 I attached to the copier in the faculty workroom a cheap microphone and a label with the following instructions: This copier control is now voice activated. Please state your name and department in a loud, clear voice into the microphone. Almost every teacher that used the copier fell for it. Some even returned later in the day to see if it was working yet. It will be hard to top this one in the future, thanks for the great idea.

--- end of report ---

[Editor's note: I am wiping a small tear from my eye. I couldn't be prouder.]

The Pillow Joke

I don't usually explain the jokes in Dilbert, because then you'd realize there often isn't one. But the cartoon that ran on Sunday 7/6/97 confused an unusually large group of people.

The last panel had Wally explaining to Dilbert that when he woke up from his dream, his pillow was gone, which seemed to have nothing to do with anything in that day's cartoon. Dilbert replied, "Wow. You woke up in the wrong joke."

Explanation: There's an old joke, which I thought most people have heard, that goes like this: Last night I dreamed I was eating a huge marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

Since Wally hadn't dreamed of a large marshmallow, obviously he woke up in the wrong joke. That's as much as I can tell you. If it still doesn't seem funny, it's too late to fix it. I'll try to do better next time.

Sending Suggestions

Thanks for all the stories and ideas. They're great entertainment, even if I can't use them all. I've found that the best suggestions for the comic tend to be the ones that take this form:

"How about the (boss or co-worker or idiot) who does this..."

Send those suggestions and True Tales of Induhviduals to [email protected]

Thanks!

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