: Nouvelle Classe De Régner De Dogbert (Dnrc)
De: Scott Adams
Date: Juillet 1997
Édition Spéciale
État De Mode De Dnrc
Bonnes nouvelles: **time-out** bien que grade DNRC gonfler
chaque jour, là immobile abondance faible-witted Induhviduals à
gauche pour devenir notre domestique quand Dogbert conquérir planète
et faire nous son nouveau régner classe. Par mon calcul, nous aurons
quelques mille domestiques la pièce. C'est assez pour prendre soin
de tout le travail important autour de votre maison, telle que
repasser votre Kleenex, découper nos crêtes de famille sur le savon,
et exécuter dans les deux sens pour continuer l'air circuler bien.
Substance Libre
Je suis sûr que vous faites noter le tout que les membres de
DNRC ont de seules caractéristiques en commun: appel incroyable de
sexe, intellect étonnant, un désir justifiable de régner la
planète, et -- d'une manière primordiale -- un appétit insatiable
pour la substance libre. Elle est avec celle à l'esprit que je donne
vous à un extrait libre de mon dernier livre, le futur de Dilbert.
**time-out** vous pouvoir vers l'avant ce votre ami, ainsi creating
illusion que vous les un faveur, tout sans dépense tout significatif
temps ou argent votre propre. **time-out** ceci non sembler si
important maintenant, mais un jour, quand vous avoir besoin un grand
faveur dans retour -- tel un nouveau rein -- vous pouvoir rappeler
personne que vous envoyer les ce bulletin en arrière dans 1997.
(extrémité médicale: Induhviduals sont d'excellents
donateurs de rein. Parfois vous pouvez les parler dans donner tous
les deux leurs reins en utilisant l'argument que vous avez besoin
vraiment d'une sauvegarde de secours.)
Parmi les nombreuses révélations startling dans Dilbert le
futur est ma prévision que le futur ne sera pas comme l'étoile
Trek(tm). Une version éditée de cette prévision est incluse ici.
Jugez que libre pour signaler et expédier ce bulletin n'importe où
que vous aimez (dans les limites du netiquette) mais de ***
subsistance de *** S'IL VOUS PLAÎT l'information de copyright avec
lui.
La Vie Ne sera pas Comme Le Voyage D'Étoile
Écrit par Scott Adams, édité dans " le futur de Dilbert "
près
HarperBusiness. Media Uni Par Copyright, 1997. S'il vous
plaît subsistance
cette notification avec le texte si vous l'expédiez par
E-mail
**time-out** là so tant étoile Trek(tm) application que
facile pour duper vous-même dans penser que étoile voyage vision un
précis vision futur. Tristement, le voyage d'étoile ne tient pas
compte de la stupidité, de l'égoïsme, et du horniness de l'être
humain moyen. Permettez-moi de décrire certaines des erreurs plus
évidentes dans la vision de voyage d'étoile.
Technologie Médicale
Sur le voyage d'étoile, les médecins ont des dispositifs de
handheld qui clôturent immédiatement toutes les ouvertures dans la
peau. Imaginez ce tri de dispositif dans les mains de vos amis sans
scrupules. Ils partiraient furtivement vers le haut derrière vous et
scelleraient votre âne fermé comme plaisanterie pratique. Les
dispositifs seraient vendus dans des mémoires de nouveauté au lieu
des sorties médicales. Toutes les choses considérées, je suis
heureux qu'il ne soit pas facile de fermer les orifices d'autres.
Transporteur
Il serait grand de pouvoir rayonner vos molécules à travers
l'espace et puis les rassembler. Le seul problème est que vous devez
faire confiance à votre collègue pour actionner le transporteur. Ce
sont le même peuple qui n'ajoutera pas le papier au photocopieur ou
ne fait pas un nouveau pot du café après la prise de la dernière
baisse. Je ne pense pas qu'ils vérifieront une deuxième fois les
coordonnées de transporteur. Elles rayonneront accidentellement des
personnes dans des murs, des animaux de compagnie, et des meubles.
Les gens passeront toute leur heure faisant des excuses pour avoir les
objets inanimés dépasser des parties de leurs corps.
' ne prêtez aucune attention aux knickknacks; J'ai obtenu
rayonné dans une huche hier. '
If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the
house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries,
stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my
house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to
arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my
walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the
good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.
If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I
would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break,
give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed.
I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as
they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My
neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only
after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life.
There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time
wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.
Holodeck
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can
create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The
characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks
from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close
the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard
to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil
massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.
Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to
go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead
of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but
that's exactly why I'd need a massage.
I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.
Sex with Aliens
According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with
creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a
lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard
enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong move
and you're suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand
trial for who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You
would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves
would be a galactic-sized mistake.
Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
Me: May I touch that?
Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a
separate corporeal being that has been
attached to my body for six hundred years.
Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me
have sex with it.
Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred
years ago.
The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek
model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I
don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically,
the future won't be that convenient.
Phasers
I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness
without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad
service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big
hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap!
On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It
happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by
an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the
Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien
possession' defense is credible.
Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and
I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed
by an evil alien entity.
Officer: Well, okay. Move along.
I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand under
my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a
time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might
be another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there
looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a
phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot
through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't
disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some
sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser was fired
by the other neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be
invisible.
And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.
Cyborgs
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent
human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a
human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool
to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might
have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would
save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular
design, so you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most.
I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at
someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program
myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would
appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.'
It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way
I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people
talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine
during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day
long.
I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush
of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the
look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has
something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone
wanting to be a cyborg.
The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're
at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the
casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by
saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to
the service.
Shields
I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time,
especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my
personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also
had a phaser to play with.
I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the
Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could
insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of
personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On
the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.
Shopping with Shields Up
Me: Ring this up for me, you
unpleasant cretin.
Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!
Me: Try it. My shields are up.
Saleswoman: Damn!
Me: There's nothing you can do to
harm me.
Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like
to open a charge account? Our interest
rates are very reasonable.
Me: Nice try.
Long-Range Sensors
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for
new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could
run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself
out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office,
you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that
means extra break time.
Vulcan Death Grip
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such
thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were.
That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the
Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.
'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'
I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other
citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting
caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually
undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You
wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the
sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in
corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger
raise, but . . . erk!'
And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.
..........................................................
Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by
HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997. Please keep
this notice
with the text.
..........................................................
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controversy with Chapter 14 is about.
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