Points culminants:  - Les avantages de l'adhésion
de DNRC
  - histoires vraies d'Induhviduals
  - les images nues sur notre site Web
  - le Roi
Maker Scheme - Dogbert
  de Babylon 5 répond à mon
courrier
  - état du sandwich de Mary
  

État De Mode De Dnrc

Car les membres du DNRC vous ont probablement noté que vous devenez plus futé et plus sexy chaque minute de votre vie. Ce n'est pas le seul avantage de l'adhésion. Un jour bientôt, Dogbert conquerra la planète et vous deviendrez sa nouvelle classe de régner. Les autres -- le prétendu Induhviduals -- deviendront nos domestiques personnels simples pourtant obéissants.

Je ne veux pas dire pour faire le futur bruit comme une utopie. Il y a un grand du côté incliné à avoir Induhviduals comme domestiques, particulièrement dans la maison. Par exemple, ils ne peuvent pas toujours faire la différence entre les gosses et les animaux de compagnie de maison. **time-out** si vous non garder un oeil sur nanny, votre gosse manger granule tandis que votre saucisse chien étudier roman langage Harvard. Ce n'est pas le tri de la chose que vos enfants vous pardonneront pour plus tard. Et votre chien de saucisse sera arrogant.

Il est temps pour DNRC de fléchir ses muscles et d'établir une réputation comme générateurs de roi. Nous commencerons par quelque chose de petit à établir la crédibilité. Alors nous passerons à des questions plus importantes telles que redessiner toutes les frontières nationales dans des rectangles et l'approbation de FDA de l'euthanasia comme traitement pour la stupidité.

Voici comment nous pouvons obtenir le roulement de boule. **time-out** je récent agir (et je utiliser mot de manière imprécise) dans un petit partie pour un prochain télévision épisode Babylon 5. **time-out** si vous avoir non voir Babylon 5, parce que là un international conspiration pour exécuter impair temps dans chaque marché. Mais c'est la meilleure exposition à la télévision et intéressant la recherche.

**time-out** si pouvoir amplifier estimation Babylon 5 pour mon épisode qui exécuter semaine mai 19ème, (différent temps dans différent marché) évident que DNRC un force compter avec. Les journalistes se référeront à lui comme l'" effet de DNRC. " Alors nous pouvons commencer à exiger des faveurs et des contrecoups pour de futures recommandations.

Vous devez observer au moins trois épisodes de Babylon 5 afin de figurer hors de qui fait ce qui à qui. Ainsi début maintenant. Ou contrôle hors des sites de Web à http://www.babylon5.com et à http://www.thestation.com pour le plein godet. Les guides d'épisode sont à http://www.midwinter.com/lurk/lurker.html

Induhviduals Pensif

**time-out** récent jeapprocher mon voiture dans le sort de stationnement d'aéroport d'Oakland et toucher pour trouver un une note gentil là-dessus it. La note dite, " c'est une belle automobile. Je souhaite que j'aie eu un juste comme lui. "

En fait, ce n'était pas les mots exacts du message. Je paraphrase du texte initial qui était juste deux mots éraflés dans le côté de la voiture avec une clé. Le deuxième mot a été abrégé de " vous " " u. " J'étais furieux. Je DÉTESTE les personnes qui abrègent.

Aujourd'hui, plus d'Induhvidualism. Je me suis réveillé pour découvrir qu'Induhviduals avait obtenu dans mon bidon d'ordures au bord avant le camion d'hygiène. Toujours utile, l'Induhviduals a éclairé le chargement en distribuant mes débris jetés à travers les pelouses de tous mes voisins.

Certains de mes voisins pensent que le carnage n'a été provoqué par un raccoon, pas Induhviduals. Si c'est le cas, j'alerte la garde nationale, parce que ce raccoon a traîné un récipient d'ordures de 90 livres pour trois blocs. Les besoins de garde d'obtenir occupé le vivant en troupe vers les lignes à haute tension. Mais je favorise la théorie qu'elle n'a été faite par Induhviduals et pas un raccoon géant. *** TRANSLATION ENDS HERE ***

You might be wondering about the fate of thoughtful Induhviduals such as these when Dogbert conquers the planet. I can answer that in one word: skeet.

Pranksters recently hacked into the United Media web site, home of the Dilbert Zone, and replaced Dilbert graphics with pictures of naked women. I was shocked and offended. The pictures were quickly removed, but there's no guarantee that it won't happen again. There's a good chance that sometime soon you might find more incredibly clear, sexually stimulating pictures of naked people on the Dilbert Zone web site at www.unitedmedia.com If that happens, believe me, I'll be plenty mad.

Keep the following true story in mind when ordering business cards or updating your next resume:

Dear Scott:

Today I noticed that someone included DNRC on their resume as one of the clubs to which they belong. That person will be hired immediately.

I encourage all of you to show blatant job favoritism to other DNRC members until we have all of the good jobs and control the technical infrastructure of the planet. Then we can assign long, humiliating e-mail addresses to people we don't like and blame it on "the software."

Examples:

[email protected]
[email protected]

Think of The Children

By now you've probably heard of the national craze for Beanie Babies (tm). Every kid wants one. The trouble is that they're hard to find. Fortunately, there's a solution. Studies have shown that very young children can't tell the difference between Beanie Babies and Dilbert books. And the few who can tell the difference prefer the books. If you love your children, or anyone else's children, and you can't find Beanie Babies in your local hardware store, buy Dilbert books instead. The tots won't know the difference and it's less hassle for you.

Best of all, if the kid is bright enough to catch on to the switcheroo, you'll know for sure that the child is destined to become part of Dogbert's New Ruling Class. If not, you'll find out early that you can start spending the college fund on beer. There's no downside for you.

And because I want to make your lives as easy as possible, there are two new Dilbert books in the pipe.

"Casual Day Has Gone Too Far" from Andrews & McMeel, a soft cover collection of Dilbert strips from 2/5/95 to 11/19/95. Available now.

"The Dilbert Future" from HarperBusiness, a hard cover book with my predictions about how idiots will shape the future, including my favorite strips that have some vague connection to the topics. Available in mid May 1997.

In this section, Dogbert answers the mail that I'm too polite to answer myself.

Dear Mr. Adams,

Why doesn't Dilbert have a mouth?

         Timmy, age 9

Dear Timmy,

Just because you can't see something, that doesn't mean it isn't there.
For example, the huge, hungry creature that hides under your bed at night
is impossible to see with the lights on, but that doesn't make it any
less real.  Or less hungry.

         Dogbert

Dear Mr. Adams,

My teacher asked us to write a biography about someone famous.  I have
chosen you.  Please write a page or two about yourself so I can include
it in my report.

         Morton

Dear Moron,

Your teacher has probably told you that you can't learn unless you do the
work yourself.  I'm glad you were smart enough to see through that lie.
Mr. Adams is busy today but I will be happy to give you some highlights
from his life.

Mr. Adams...

- Built the Great Wall of China on a dare.
- Invented the phrase, "Talk to the hand."
- Found a cure for the common cold, but refuses to share it.
- Dressed in a chimpanzee suit and became the first man
  in space.  (NASA is still miffed about that prank.)
- Was the first person to climb to the top of Mount Everest
  wearing nothing but culottes.

         Dogbert

Dear Mr. Adams,

I have no luck with women.  As soon as I introduce myself they start
laughing.  Do you have any advice for me?

         Harry Bunz

Dear Harry,


Hire a chauffeur to do your pickup lines for you while you wait in
the limo.  For example, the chauffeur could spot the woman of your
dreams and say, "Hi, I have Harry Bunz, would you like to get in the
car and see for yourself?"

That'll work.


         Dogbert

Heaven's Gate

I think it's amazing that 39 members of the Heaven's Gate cult thought they would beam up to space ships if they killed themselves. Any reasonable person knows that in reality they will be reincarnated as animals. You might not agree with my belief in reincarnation, but a lot of people do, so it's not a cult. There's certainly no evidence that larger groups of people have ever believed anything stupid. So once the number of believers exceeds a certain level, say 40, you have to think there's something to it.

Unlike those "cultists" I wasn't brainwashed into my beliefs. I simply had a huge painful void in my life that I filled with the first thing that came along. You have to respect that. I'm not as gullible as those poor saps. That's probably because I was born in June, which makes me a Gemini. We're naturally skeptical.

Following in the smug tradition of mocking the "odd" beliefs of other people, I give you my favorite Heaven's Gate jokes.

1. Since all the Heaven's Gates members were discovered wearing Nike sneakers, do you think Nike might change their slogan to "Maybe You Should Think About It"?

2. Do you think there was some confusion about what was required to become a "Unix" programmer?

That's enough jokes about gullible people for now. I need to go and check out that new hair growth formula I saw advertised on TV. Then I plan to lose all the weight I want by eating my favorite foods.

Those whacky Induhviduals continue to amuse. Here are some more true sighting submitted by DNRC operatives, edited to conceal the identities of the guilty.

--------

Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar

--------

True conversation with an airline:

DNRC Member: "I'm traveling on your airline next week and I need to carry on some equipment. What is the maximum size of luggage I can bring with me?"

Airline Rep: "62 inches."

DNRC Member: (puzzled) "That's just one number. I have a 3-dimensional object I want to carry on."

Airline Rep: (suspiciously) "So....you SAY you have a 3-dimensional object?"

The conversation did not improve after that.

--------

(I got six versions of this story.)

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

--------

At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, "Strip down, face toward me."

Editor's Note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?

--------

A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda." The owner responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large." (Both cost 99 cents.)

The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type (boss?), disappointedly said, "Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then."

--------

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"

Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

--------

An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees."

     "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate
     your eyes."

--------

The managers got together and decided that the problem with our department was that it needed a new name. They met several times, amounting to hundreds of work hours spent. In the end they changed the name from "Information Technology" to "Technology and Information."

Editor's Note: Good move. That should eliminate that feeling of doom pervading the staff.

--------

Overheard in the office supply megastore, a man asks a store clerk, "Where can I buy some JPEG?" The store clerk directed the customer to the Service Department.

--------

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

------------

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

--------

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. needless to say, she was very disappointed.

---------

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the Induhvidual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

--------

A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember."

So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."

--------

At a stoplight, an Induhvidual turned to me and pondered, "I wonder how much money those men in the booths make?"

"What men in the booths?" I replied (noting no booths were in view).

"YOU KNOW, the ones who work for the government and watch the stoplights. That way, when a car comes to an intersection that isn't busy, they turn the light green for that car."

I told her the salary was quite high and maybe she should go and apply; the government is always looking for intelligent people.

--------

Here's an example of a shortened production cycle gone too far:

We were already months behind on shipping dates for the new release of our product. Our credibility with a major customer seemed as low as it could get.

This customer was giving a major demo to some internal brass and their clients, for which we put together a rush shipment of new, fully equipped workstations.

The workstations were prepped, tested, packed and put on a truck, which took them directly to our salvage facility, where they were destroyed.

------

My company flew a database administrator across the country to support an installation. When he got there, he decided he could support the release just as well from his hotel room so he did not bother going into the office.

Practical Jokes for the office

This practical joke report is from a field operative.

1. Dial a number you KNOW is disconnected.
2. Quickly, while it's still ringing, forward the call to an Induhvidual.
3. Hang up.
4. The phone on his (her) desk will ring, and all he will hear is "The number you have reached is not in service...."

Someone pulled this joke on my boss while I was in a meeting with him. He screamed into the receiver "What do you mean the f***ing number is not a working number?! You called ME, B***h! Then he slammed the phone down.

Instructions To Fool Induhviduals

It's fun to create product instructions that baffle Induhviduals. For example, I have some aspirin that says this on the label:

       "Do not use product if bottle is opened"

I suspect that most Induhviduals are quite stumped about how to get the pills out without opening the bottle.

The 1997 Dilbert page-a-day calendar uses a similar approach. It says, "No part of this calendar may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews."

Many Induhviduals think we mean it when we say that "no part of this calendar may be used..." so they keep the calendar hidden under other items so they don't accidentally notice today's date.

In newsletter 13 I told a story about a kind woman named Mary and a sandwich. Hundreds of you sent her holiday cards filled with wonderful words of love and even money. She was touched beyond description, by the messages even more than the gifts. Her children had a very nice Christmas and Mary reports that she is doing just fine.

I can't be more detailed about the results, but you surprised the heck out of a very nice woman and made her deliriously happy. The best moment for Mary was a call from an orphanage, thanking her for an anonymous donation of $100,000 that was made in her name.

It's all very humbling. That's all I can say.

DNRC Spy Recruitment:

I'm looking for cubicle spies to provide fresh fodder for the comic strip. If you'd like to be one, send me your name, WORK phone number (not home), company name, job title, and your secret self-selected spy name. This information should go to my e-mail address, which is [email protected], with the word spy in the subject. Don't send a reply to the newsletter address.

I'll be calling spies randomly and asking what you were doing the moment before the phone rang. I'll use your secret spy name so you know it's me and not some Induhvidual co-worker playing a prank on you.

All spy reports will be confidential.

Dilbert Product Information

There's a Dilbert product in almost every category you can think of, including magnets, calendars, books, stuffed creatures, apparel and animated business videos. For details on how to find any of it, send an e-mail message with this address and format:

Address: [email protected] Subject Line: Products Message: Products

Or check out the Dilbert Zone Website:

www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert

You can order selected Dilbert products directly from the United Media Online Store. Also check your local bookstores, Hallmark stores, office and computer supply stores.

How to Subscribe Automatically

The Dilbert Newsletter has moved! This should make it easier to sign up automatically. To sign up automatically, send an e-mail message using this address and format (substituting your own name for John Doe):

Address: [email protected] Subject line: newsletter Message: subscribe Dilbert_News John Doe

Don't include any other information. Your e-mail address will be picked up automatically.

You can also subscribe on the Web by visiting The Dilbert Zone at http://umweb1.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert. Go to the DNRC area to find the signup page.

Unsubscribing

unsubscribe Dilbert_List

Put only the word "Dilbert" in the subject line.

Getting Old Newsletters

www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/

I can't send back issues by e-mail for reasons you wouldn't believe if I told you.

Problems Signing Up for the Newsletter

If you try to change your password (which you don't need to do, since only I can post to the list anyway) and you get a strange message saying you're not on the list, ignore it. It's a "feature."

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